Thanksgiving 2025
Dad’s
Surprising Life
The Third Surprise—Having Lunch with My
Daughter Sarah—November 29
As my dad and I exited the highway ramp for La Paz Avenue
in Mission Viejo, I noticed a man with a cup pointed towards us and the other
vehicles waiting for the stoplight to turn green. The man appeared to be
homeless, looking for donations. This was the Saturday after Thanksgiving, what
I would consider the biggest food day of the year in the United States. We were
coming back from driving to Los Angeles to see my daughter Sarah, where earlier
in the day we had met her at a Vietnamese restaurant called Gingergrass. The
food was scrumptious. Meeting up with Sarah, whom dad hadn’t seen in quite some
time, was the third surprise for my father over the past ten days.
Dad will be 97 on March 13, 2026, and I want his remaining
time to be full of experiences which help him, at least temporarily, to forget
about his numerous aches, the fact that his body doesn’t function as how he
might like, his slowness in moving (although he propels himself fairly well
with his red walker), and his hallucinations due to Charles Bonnet Syndrome and
Macular Degeneration. Having fun experiences enables dad to slip out of any
malaise from having an old body and spending too much time watching television.
He is very sociable and although it is now difficult for him, he has always
loved spending time with other people.
Many times, our days feel like the movie “Groundhog Day,”
that feeling when you seem to be doing the same thing over and over, the
typical breakfast, the meds, cleaning up, etc. On Saturday morning though I
gave dad a hug, not an ordinary perfunctory one but more like the ones that you
give somebody when you can really feel them close to you. It felt different to
me, as if, I was truly seeing and feeling him and not just starring in another
Groundhog Day. This hug was filled with a lot of emotion.
Later on in the morning dad asked me how I got rid of the
flies on his bedroom ceiling. I went along with this as best I could, as the
flies were one of his hallucinations. He often sees people in the home that he
has graciously allowed me to share, as I do my best to take care of him. On the
drive back from meeting up with Sarah, he told me that he saw a woman running
across four lanes on the highway. After we arrived home, while helping him with
a shower, he said that he felt his wife (my mom) sitting next to him in the
car. When we feel the presence of or see loved ones that have passed it means
that we are getting closer to them, as if, somehow, they are reaching out for
us and us for them.
Sarah, dad, and I sat at an outside table at Gingergrass and one of the songs playing at the restaurant was, “Back on the Chain Gang” by the Pretenders. It’s a very infectious pop song written in 1982 after the death of the 25-year-old lead guitarist James Honeyman-Scott due to a drug overdose. (The original bass player Pete Farndon died at the age of 30 in 1983 also of an overdose.) It’s a truly wonderful reflection on loss, the emotional struggles of life, the pressure put on all of us by society, and ultimately the resilience to go on with life even after suffering great tragedy. Observing Sarah and my dad and thinking further about my life and others the song seemed perfect for the different stages of life that we all go through. It also reminded me of the healing that occurs in each of us as we open ourselves up and let others in.
As we sat around the table I observed Sarah as somebody who
possesses a great deal of empathy. She has spent a good amount of time with her
soon to be 98-year-old grandmother Naomi in Connecticut, often taking care of
her. I saw her caregiving skills as she helped my dad in numerous ways while we
were eating.
This
third surprise for my dad was wonderful with loving company and good food,
including leaving Sarah with some leftovers that I had made from Thanksgiving a
couple days before. I also gave Sarah my first original windchime creation.
The Second Surprise—Thanksgiving—November 27
This year with my sister and her husband having moved to
India on November 6th, I decided to make a Thanksgiving dinner for
my father and some friends as I thought it was important to keep some type of
tradition alive for him. Although not really one to follow traditions and
having never made any sort of Thanksgiving meal I decided that I would do both.
It was to be the second surprise for my dad in providing opportunities for joy
and spending moments with others in whatever time he has left on earth.
It’s not that I particularly think of the origin of the “holiday”
in positive terms because it was devastating to Native Americans and the stories
we’ve been told are mostly lies. When Abraham Lincoln proclaimed[1] a day of Thanksgiving it
was in the midst of the Civil War, 1863. This made sense that although
“Americans” were killing one another there was still reason to give thanks and
I do feel that Lincoln was one of our greatest presidents.
As I thought about what I would make I knew that the main
course would be a vegan roast which I purchased from Sprouts. I had called the
store prior to going in order to ensure that they had the roast which the
employee on the phone assured me that they did. But when I arrived, I was told
by two employees that they didn’t know what a vegan roast was. I looked in the
far left topmost part of the freezer section and found a few varieties after
which I informed the employees as to the location of the roasts.
I knew that I wanted to make cranberry sauce (which didn’t
seem particularly difficult), a pumpkin pie, and roasted vegetables (which were
given to me by a cousin from the first surprise). I also decided to add sweet
potatoes, hummus, and a recipe from the New York Times: Butter Swim Biscuits.
With everything that I cook, even if it’s from a recipe, I add my own touch,
and this Thanksgiving meal saw me doing the same.
the oven in the afternoon.
Preparing the meal was not that difficult although I assume
that it can be depending on what goes into it and how many people attend. But
Thanksgiving became something much larger to me as I thought about the food and
the people who were at the table with my father and me.
My perspective is that Thanksgiving Day, at least on the
outside, seems to mean a glutinous meal, usually turkey, with lots of side
dishes. It has also become a time for watching football, feeding those that are
hungry with turkey and other food, parades, generally kindness towards others, and
the start of the “holiday” season. For me the true meaning lies in getting
together with friends and family to share in the bounty that comes from living
in a wealthy country, i.e. giving thanks for having so much. Having never known
poverty I’m not sure what this day actually means to somebody who may not have
food or a place to live on a regular basis. What meaning did Thanksgiving have
for the guy who was waving a cup at cars on the La Paz offramp two days after
the holiday?
One year ago, I was receiving chemotherapy for
non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Experiencing an uncommon level of fatigue starting in
July 2024 the next several months had been a whirlwind of tests and doctor’s
visits until the eventual diagnosis in October. I lost my hair and wondered if
I would recover. Food and visiting with friends were not at the top of my list.
All I wanted to do was rest and recover from the beating that my body was
taking.
So, this Thanksgiving being about friends made sense. I
invited Raj and Alex, and Alex’s daughter Yanna and Yanna’s friend Michael. The
people gathered around the table ranged in age from 8 to 96, and were from
India, Belarus, and the Bronx, New York (my dad).
Both Raj and Alex are athletes. I’ve seen how they have
blossomed both on and off the court, living their lives as we all do, through
the challenges and joys, pushing their boundaries because of opportunities to
play. I met both Raj and Alex at a wheelchair softball activity in Anaheim a
few years ago. They both play wheelchair tennis, with Raj participating in and
winning many tournaments. He also plays wheelchair football and participates in
numerous other sports, wanting to try everything, even while working full-time.
Raj also writes numerous songs in Hindi, using AI to bring his music and lyrics
to life through video. Raj has two sons, one of whom is engaged and one who just
got his learner’s permit. Alex is a business owner—Overcoming
Change—where she promotes organizations that offer products and services for
people with disabilities, creating a bridge between companies that care and the
people who need support the most. A former model, she has
literally pushed through life to live fully while raising two daughters. She
wants to become an elite athlete in at least one sport.
That Alex and Raj were born in other countries ties into
one of my reasons for originally living in both India and Nepal for seven years,
i.e. wanting to experience living amidst people of different cultures. That
they are both athletes, ties into my coaching adapted sports which I first
began doing while living in India in 2011. The fact that my friends are from
other countries is important to me as I want to live in a multicultural society
which in my opinion is what the US stands for and also makes life much more
interesting.
The First Surprise—A visit from my cousin and
good friend Mark; Connections with my cousins Phyllis and Rick-November 20-23
As you might be able to tell, I’ve enjoyed surprising dad,
although he thinks that I am playing games because I don’t tell him what is
going on when he asks me direct questions like: “Did you invite anybody for
Thanksgiving?” and I answer “No”. “Where are we going today?” “Just
out for a ride.”
***
Throughout all of the surprises I knew that my dad was
having a good time. The giveaway was his singing, something he does when he is
happy. This is also something that his father Louie used to do. On the Friday
after Thanksgiving, I took my dad for a ride and he asked me to play Frank
Sinatra on my phone. As he started to croon along, I smiled and thought back to
something my dad used to say about my mom: she’s a “real trooper.” I could also
say the same about him: even while dealing with the challenges of living into
your late 90s, he continues to live, he continues to sing.
